The Power of Influence

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Pleasure and Pain
How Are We Influenced?
Choosing Appropriate Styles
Tact and Influence

 
Pleasure and Pain:



How can we influence people around us? Can we use the same principles? How can we motivate someone to buy from us or to do something we want (something that is genuinely good for the person, in a sincere, caring manner of course!)? Well firstly by building rapport with the person, by matching/mirroring their style and their values. By figuring out their motivational style by asking questions. We need to find out what is not satisfactory about their current relevant situation. Ask about the good points but also try to then find out the bad points. By using that knowledge to find out what possible pain they have in their current scenario, exacerbating it with further questions and possible future scenarios, and how that pain could be cured with our product or service or idea/suggestion. Sales people should thus healers of pain! A good sales person or influencer does not try to create create pain where there is none to start with. He is like a healer who comes along, finds a cut on your arm, then aggravates it until it really hurts, then does a magic trick and heals the cut completely. If the person is pleasure motivated, then the sales person/influencer should find out what benefits the person really likes, what their hot buttons are, and focus on those. Listing every single benefit an idea/suggestion/product has is not targetted and will likely detract from the emphasis of the real hot button points that the person is genuinely interested in. This is motivation through opportunity.

Of course, if we are talking about sales people in particular, they are not universally popular. If you are genuinely interested in buying something, and walk into a shop or showroom, then you appreciate a sales person who is attentive, knows what he or she is talking about, who is respectful, and not too pushy. A sales person who genuinely wants the right solution for you, and is not just interested to sell you anything just because he wants his commission. A sales person who draws you into the sale rather than pushes you there. A sales person who builds genuine rapport with the customer and becomes their friend. Who asks questions and finds out about the customers real wishes and problems. It is the beginning of a relationship, not a one off sale. The customer buys from the sales person because he genuinely likes him, and the sales person makes him feel really good. The customer likes to think that he or she has made an educated and informed decision, and has not been pushed into a purchase, that he has kept the power, even if this isn't the case. Often a customer will volunteer information that can help a close or even actually help the sales person close the sale, if he likes him enough. There is nothing worse than a sales person who appears to be pushy, clearly has no genuine respect for his prospect, tries to bulldoze the customer and close them, without really finding out what the customer wants or what his or her concerns are, and regardless of whether the product is even right for that person (trying to hammer a star shape into a round hole). BlackSpy, although a sales person himself in one of his roles, knows how many customers like to be treated, and dislikes the way most sales people operate.

People buy for emotional reasons of pain and pleasure, but they also need a couple of logical reasons to buy too, maybe just one or two, and then they will feel clever and justified in basically making an emotional decision. So always make sure when you have enlarged the pain/magnified the pleasure that you also mention all the sensible (boring, non-sexy) reasons for buying now too!

To complete this section on salesmanship, we will briefly look at a test close. If you feel like you are getting close to the sale/point of influence, make a test close (conditional close). Or a number of test closes. For example, 'Assuming we were able to deal with [xyz objection]/you were given budget approval etc, would you buy [product 123]? Asking test closes helps to bring out any objections, and people feel they can agree to a test close and give a kind of commitment without feeling that they have. If you haven't heard any objections so far and you feel like you are about to close a sale, it could just be that you haven't been asking the prospect enough questions, and that there are many objections which will suddenly be brought up if you try to close the person. This will kill the momentum and likely lose you the deal/opportunity to influence.

The objections are often a matter of framing or pre-framing. i.e. changing the focus of the person to something really good that outweighs that bad thing, or to make a statement at the beginning if you know the probably objection that will crush the objection before it comes out! For example, this car is a little expensive, but look at how lovely it is to sit in. You will really appreciate the ambience and feel great every time you step in. You could save 10% and buy this other car with a rather spartan and cold interior etc.

Are elections really about politics?

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How are we influenced?

What factors influence our decision to purchase products, who to vote for, where to go out etc? Let us take the example of who to vote for at election time in the national political election. We like to think we are intelligent, free agents, who vote according to whose policies are the most sound, and who we think will form the best government for the country. It appears however that rather than voting intelligently/rationally on policies alone, most people in elections all over the world actually vote according to four factors:

Elections are won by people who are able to appeal to the widest range of voters and who fulfill more of the above criteria than the other candidates. They win on their superior ability to influence people around them. It is much like making a new acquaintance or friend or buying an album, you are most likely to choose the person who fulfils most of the above criteria. Or who matches most strongly those criteria that you have a preference for.

During election time, each party or opponents try to reduce the other candidates' popularity by mud slinging to question their congruency. You can't really hijack a candidate's good looks (unless you live in Ukraine!)

We all know politicians go out wearing make up, and have speach writers, body language advisors and media advisors. It's like advertising or sales. A politician is really a sales person. It's not really about party politics and policies. As long as the policies don't offend too much. We vote almost like we make a decision to buy a product, like a car or a CD. Voters are fickle like the stock market, totally overreacting to good or bad news, the big picture is often forgotten. So do you still feel like you live in an intelligent democracy?

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Choosing Appropriate Styles:

Persuading is useful when the issue is open to rational analysis, when the situation is not emotionally charged or highly competitive or emotionally charged, and when you are viewed as informed and competent. Tools you would use are proposing ideas, making suggestions and recommendations. Using facts and reasoning to support one's own position and to counter another person's position.

Asserting is useful when you have legitimate needs or expectations, and should stand to lose something if these are not met. You should state your demands, needs, standards and requirements. You are in a position to offer incentives and possibly exert pressure to gain an agreement or compliance with your requirements, for example using positive or negative judgements of the other person, or specifying consequences you are in control of.

Bridging is useful when you need the other person's commitment, you value their input and are open to influence, and also when the other person is upset or angry. You could solicit different views, or be encouraging or empathising. You can paraphrase or summarise the other person's arguments, ask for the person's clarification and reflecting back feelings (mirroring, building rapport). You can also let your uncertainty show, ask for help or assistance, and admit your mistakes.

Attracting is useful when you want to create enthusiasm and excitement, a sense of dynamism and purpose, unity and team spirit. You articulate the ideal outcome or an exciting possible outcome.You share and highlight important common values, interests and hopes with the others, and they trust your motivations.

Moving away is useful when the present conditions inhibit productive work and a postponement, rescheduling or change in conditions will help you to achieve your goals.

Disengaging is useful to reduce tension or to change the prevailing conditions while continuing to pursue your goals. Avoid giving in to the other party or withdrawing from engagement to avoid personal discomfort.

Role playing is a useful personal development tool, not only for practising your communication and influence skills, but also to re-enact painful situations where you feel pressured, uncomfortable and unable to exact your will or desires. For example, it could be asking someone out for a date, or approaching someone who you wish to ask about something or to stop doing something you perceive as anti-social or threatening. Role playing can be fun and a great way to explore your own personality and your negative beliefs and limitations, and an avenue to overcome them. Most people never engage in any forms of role play unless their boss or instructor tells them to do so. Why wait for such rare occasions? Why not do a little role play every week or every day! With a friend or partner. You can volunteer scenarios or let your friend pick one for you. You can change places and see how the other person deals it with. It can be a form of entertainment or escapism as well, in the way some people love to play RPGs on line or dungeons and dragons. Why not! It doesn't cost anything! Being shy is just a form of fear of self-expression.

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Tact and Influence:

For a full insight into tact and influence, I highly recommend purchasing Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends And Influence People. This has jokingly been named 'How To Manipulate People by Your Apparent Friendliness'! BlackSpy was once seen reading this book by his mother, whilst sat in an armchair, whilst practising a power punch technique with his hands and forearm. BlackSpy's mother thought it particularly amusing as the scene suggested that BlackSpy was trying to influence people by punching them!

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don't criticize, complain or condemn.

Be goal orientated rather than trying to make a point. Understand rather than condemn - this will breed tolerance, sympathy, and kindness. Criticism puts a person on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. It wounds pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment. Criticism often returns condemnation from the person being criticized. If you are going to write a letter of 'compliant', put it away in a drawer for a couple of days and then re-read it. You will certainly rewrite it in a polite tone.

2. Give sincere and honest appreciation, not flattery.

People have a deep desire to feel important, to feel significant (see 6 Fundamental Human Needs page). Criminals and celebrities are driven by a need to be recognised, appreciated and feel important, like they are somebody. Thus, encouraging and appreciating a person is best way to generate enthusiasm. Criticisms from superiors have the reverse effect and crushes ambition and enthusiasm. Never flatter someone, as flattery is insincere. Flattery often arouses suspicision. Honest appreciation is however sincere. Figure out a person's good points. Tell someone what you admire about them. People often feel unnoticed and unappreciated by those around them. Those words of appreciation you give someone will be cherished, treasured and repeated over a lifetime. The person will repeat them to himself years after you have forgotten what you said. Remember this, parents, teachers and bosses!

3. Arouse an eager desire or want in the other person.

If you want to catch a certain kind of fish, you have to use the right kind of bait. Why talk about what we want? It is childish. Of course, you are always interested in what you want. Unfortunately no one else is! The everyone else is just the same. Each person is interested in what he wants, and not what everyone else wants. The only way to influence someone is to talk about what they want and what they want to avoid, and show them how to get it. Find out about their pleasure and pain, and use it to motivate them to do what you want. For example, if their current behaviour will cause them pain in the future or stop them getting what they want in the future. Or point out the pleasure a path can lead to, a pleasure that interests him. Let the person feel that they are discovering the desire for himself or taking part in the process of moving towards the goal and feeling significant, like the goal is really theirs.


How To Make People Like You:

1. Take a genuine interest in other people.

Become interested in other people, don't try to make people interested in you. People are not interested in you! They are really interested in themselves and their own interests. If you look at a group photograph for a school or club that you belong to, whose picture do you look for first? If we try to impress people with how great we are, by boasting and talking about ourselves, we will never have many true, sincere friends. You don't make true friends that way. You will make a good impression and win friends/business if you are friendly and show interest in everyone, especially the seemly 'unimportant' people. If you want to make friends, you have to make an effort and do things for other people. This demonstrates you are willing to invest your own time and effort in someone. For example, learning the language or culture of a country you are visiting is always appreciated. People like people who make them feel special, and you are likely to get business from prospects who you've taken a genuine interest in, and help from people you've made to feel special.

2. Be friendly and smile!

Smiling is a great way to make a good first impression. A smile communicates to a person that you like them, you are glad to see them, and that they make you feel happy. This makes the person feel important and appreciated, and makes them feel happy too. The person will always be glad to see you. An insincere grin or smile should never be used. People detect the fact that it isn't sincere, and it turns people off and is taken as an insult. Politicians feel like they are required to always smile on camera, and the mechanical nature of the false smile that does not engage all the facial muscles is easily detected. a genuine smile remains on the face for a while after it first happens. A false smile disappears as quickly as it appeared. It is easy to spot! Don't forget that someone can 'hear' you smiling over the telephone. Smile with a customer or friend even if it is hard. It is during tough times that a smile is most appreciated. A person who does not smile should not run a business or deal with customers. Your smile is like a beacon of light in the wilderness.

3. A person LOVES to hear their name.

A person's name is a unique possession. It is the sound a person most loves to hear. It shows that the other person is genuinely interested in them, and makes them feel important. If you fail to remember or be told a person's name at first meeting, ask again. Rather than making you look foolish, it actually shows that you are interested in them. Try to memorise their name by repeating it to yourself over and over. People with difficult names will especially appreciate the fact that you remember it or do not abbreviate it. Try to always use a person's name in a business letter. The rich and powerful throughout history have had portraits or statues made in their image so that people will remember their names long after they have died. People are motivated to perform acts of excellence so that their name may be respected and revered. Good manners are often created from petty sacrifices. If you remember someone's name and use it, you are their friend and establishing a personal connection, and may well receive extra good service. As people grow older, they stop bothering to use anyone's name. Don't fall into this trap.

4. Be a excellent listener. Encourage other people to open up and talk about themselves.

The art of being a good conversationalist is to get people talking about themselves. Ask people questions about things they are genuinely interested in, their accomplishments, about things they love to answer. People want an interested listener to talk to so that they can expand their ego and talk about their favourite subjects. Being genuinely interested in what someone is saying is a great compliment. It means the person feels like they are really interesting. Being a bad listener and interrupting has the effect of driving a person away. Empathise and sympathise. Let the other person talk until they are finished! You will be remembered as great company! If you express an interest in another person's role, they may even help you with your own particular work problems etc. If you are attending a business meeting, try to find out about the company's or person's background so you can be properly prepared to ask appropriate questions. A salesperson who attends a meeting and shows that he knows nothing about the company he is visiting is showing he is not particularly interested. Find out what they are genuinely interested in, and use this to your advantage.

5. Show consideration and make the person feel important.

Use phrases such as "Thank you", "I'm sorry to trouble you, but would you please/mind...", "Would you be so kind as to...please?", "Would you please...?", "Would you mind...?" and "Won't you please...?". Small courtesies do not cost anything, are quick to use, and show good upbringing, show a person appreciation for their situation and make a person feel understood. Don't treat people as if they are in the wrong or their are below you in the pecking order. Treat everyone with the same respect, no matter what your initial opinion of them may be. Many people crave human warmth and friendly, sincere appreciation. By being polite and respectful, a person is likely to open up more and be more generous, and go towards meeting your goal more. If someone is considering quitting their job, talk to them in front of their colleagues and peers and give them special attention, and show your appreciation of their worth and their invaluable contribution to the company.

6. Mirror the other person's behaviour.

To instantly build rapport with a person, you can subtly mimmick their body language, tone of voice, gestures, language and so on. Please like people who are like themselves. People often do this without thinking. For example, if one person is leaning against a door or crossing his arms, the other person often follows suits. People often match each other's voice tone also. Don't be too obvious with this as you may seem that you are mocking the person. So use your intelligence. Matching and mirroring is a good way to diffuse a hostile situation. If a customer is angry with a situation, then if you sound angry and horrified also, and sympathise with them, and say that you would be angry if it happened to you, agree with them that it is a disgrace, and match their voice volume, then the person will feel appreciated and listened to and will most likely calm down instantly. Please note this is not quite the same as arguing back in an equally hostile tone, which is counter productive.


Win People Over to Seeing Your Way:

1. Avoid arguments, don't try to win arguments.

Avoid correcting people whilst they are speaking. Try to just listen to the overall point the person is making. Why not let the person save face? Did he ask for your opinion or corrections? It will not be appreciated. No one wins an argument. If you 'win', you make the other person feel inferior, hurt their pride, create resentment and possibly just reinforce the person's position. Arguments will never get you a person's good will. Frequently the person arguing is just looking to feel important, by asserting their authority and trying to expand their ego. If you admit they are right, the argument will be diffused, and the person is likely to become sympathetic and kind towards you. Have a sympathetic desire to see the other person's point of view. There are always two sides to every story. Arguing is not outcome orientated.

Disagreements are healthy, it means each person's perspective is required and is not superfluous. If you do disagree, resist the instinct to argue and become defensive. Keep calm and breathe deeply. Keep control of your temper. Just hear the person out. Do not bring up any defensive barriers in the other person. Try to find areas you agree on and discuss those, to bridge. Look for areas where you can admit your own personal error. Promise to the other person that you will think over their ideas and study them further. Thank people for being interested enough to actually disagree with you in the first place! Postpone any action or decision to another time.

2. Always respect another person's opinions. Never use the words "You are wrong".

No one is right all of the time. You can tell a person that he is wrong by a look, intonation or even a hand gesture. You do not need to be so unsubtle as to use blunt negative expressions. Using the above phrase merely creates defensiveness. Instead, try to share common ground and show that you appreciate where the person is coming from. Show understanding. Allow the other person to reformulate their ideas free of defensiveness or aggression, by gently pointing the person to certain items which they can interpret themselves without threating their core values or position. Allow the person to think they themselves are coming to a new conclusion. If you admit you are wrong, you are likely to have a level headed discussion. If you stick rigidly to your position, you are unlikely to have anything but an overly emotional exchange, without logic present! Try to avoid definite words such as "certainly" and "undoubtedly" with softer words and phrases such as "I imagine..." a thing to be [xyz], or "it appears to me at present..." or "Come to think of it, I don't entirely agree with [xyz] myself. What do you think about it?"

3. If you realise you are wrong, admit it quickly.

If you admit a mistake, you are showing that you think the other person is important. You will likely bring out the person's better qualities of bridging and sharing. You take his side and he will likely take your side. Beat the other person to admitting you are wrong. This will disarm them. If they discover your error first, you will likely be defending yourself which is much harder.

4. Make sure you begin in a friendly manner.

The power of congruency in the human mind means that people don't want to change their minds and try to stick to the same beliefs or ideas, even if they realise that something they think is not quite correct. A person cannot be forced to agree with you. A person is more likely to be lead to agree with you if you are gentle, generous and friendly. You must first convince the other person that you have good intentions and that you are his friend. Use softer introductions. Compliment people.

5. Get the other person to say 'yes' as soon as possible.

Start with areas of common ground, get the person to agree with you. This has momentum, and the agreement and 'yes' is likely to continue and spill into the other areas of your discussion. The body language will change and the physiology will be in agreement and positive. If you start with disagreement, the defensive or negative position is likely to continue and be reinforced, the person ready to react against any possible agreement, no matter what it concerns. This is the power of congruency again. The mind wants to continue to agree or disagree, depending on how it started the discussion. Keep asking questions the person will agree with until you have led them to see your view or perspective.

6. Let the other person do most of the talking.

Hear the person out first. Shut up. Don't argue with them. Let the person talk themselves out. Encourage them to express themselves and mention everything that is on their mind. Then emphasise and bridge. Then the person is ready to hear your perspective. If you don't do this, you will likely fail! A person who does not spill out everything on their mind will be resentful and likely come out with more objections later.

7. Let the person feel that they have thought of the idea themselves.

Make suggestions, not statements. Ask the other person for their input. Ask them what they think they should be doing or what should be done and how and what they are expecting. People like to be consulted about their desires, wishes, needs and thoughts. Let the person feel consulted and important/appreciated. If you discuss an idea with someone, later on they will claim that they thought of the idea themselves. It will become their idea and they will believe in it more and will likely motivate the person more.

8. View things from the other person's perspective in an honest and sincere manner.

Try to understand the other person. Show empathy. Understand the reasons for the other person's thinking, what their relevant beliefs or values are. How would you feel or react if you were in his shoes? Show you are interested in their perspective. If you are repremanding someone, first empathise and state that you used to like to do similar things yourself once (or still do). Softly express the consequences, but iterate that it isn't important and that you will let it go this time. Try to bridge with them and even offer a gift or show generosity. Or compliment the person. Be result/outcome orientated. Don't just try to make a point as often you will fail in the goal you actually want to achieve.

9. Show sympathy towards the other person's feelings or ideas.

Hear the person out. Then empathise and say that you don't blame the person for feeling that way, as you would feel the same way if it was you. Most people who complain or argue are just after your sympathy. They want some attention. Give the person what they want! Don't argue with them. A person will often feel sorry for himself. Go with it. Show you care. Show that their feelings are perfectly understandable and bond with them. Show you are on their side and want to help them rectify this unfair situation. Compliment the person if they change their stance and acknowledge their sacrifice.

10. Appeal to a person's good nature and nobler motives.

Everyone has a high regard for themselves and see themselves as unselfish and honourable. There is always a logical and emotional (real) reason for a person's actions. Appeal to their noble values if you want to change their action. Appeal to the person's values. You of course have to understand what the person's values are! Then match the consequences of the action to the noble values and show the conflict, but in a gentle and soft manner. Appeal to honesty, fair play etc. The person will probably increase their estimation as you share the same high values.

11. Use visual aids to emphasise your ideas.

Use symbolic presentation aids. Make the person visualise the negative effects/pain of their situation.

12. Try reverse psychology or challenge the person.

If nothing else has worked to influence the person, try to appeal to them by providing competition between parties, whoever is better is a big person, really clever, so they can compare themselves to a role model and feel significant. Or try to make out that they do not qualify for whatever you are offering, and they may try to prove that they do, so they can feel significant and part of a special club.


Everyone Is A Born Leader.:

1. Start with praise and show sincere appreciation.

Orders or constructive criticism are always more palatable once we have been praised or complimented about your good qualities or strengths (regardless of what qualities or attributes these are!) You can also give praise when describing something that implies it has another purpose or place that it should have had. What should have been an detailed essay could be praised as being an excellent summary. You could also praise an attribute but hint that it requires management so it continues to grow in strength but does not develop any negative characteristics.

2. Draw people's attention to their mistakes or errors indirectly.

This is the art of giving constructive criticism but avoiding antagonism. This could be in the form of a gift that is relevant to their mistake or error. Or if a group of people have neglected to perform a specific duty, you could do it yourself (as a one off) after they have left, and then praise them for doing it the next morning. This way it is not so obvious that you actually did it!

3. Always admit your own mistakes or shortcomings before constructively criticising the other person.

It is much easier to listen to criticism if the person doing the criticising begins by humbly admitting that he too is far from perfect and has made mistakes in the past or at present, but it working to correct them or hasn't yet corrected them.

4. Turn an order into a question.

No one enjoys taking orders. Try "You might consider [xyz]" or "Do you think [xyz] would work?" or "What do you think of [abc]?" or "Perhaps if we phrased it this way it would be work better." We are respecting a person's pride and sense of appreciation/importance. Resentment as a result of a harsh order may well last a very long time, even if it was given to avoid a damaging situation! Long after we have forgotten issuing the order. Try to stimulate the creativity and input of the persons whom you ask. This way they feel as if they thought of the idea and it is theirs and will feel much better in carrying it out, and will be greater motivated to do so. For example, if you want to speed up a job, you could ask the person if there is anything that can be done to ensure a short delivery timescale or to balance simultaneous assignments.

5. Make sure you let the other person save face.

If you are going to remove responsibilities or demote/laterally move a person, make sure you give them a job title that makes them feel significant. Letting a person save face requires conscious effort. Often we override other's feelings to get our way and don't consider the effect on the other person's sense of pride and being valued. Never humiliate or interrogate a person in front of colleagues (hello teachers!) Instead praise a person in front of others.

6. Praise every tiny little improvement generously.

Everyone needs sincere praise to feel appreciated and improve our self-confidence. Yet frequently we criticise more than we praise. Praise can transform people, the effects are very powerful. Everyone needs encouragement.

7. Give the person a reputation that they must live up to.

If an person starts to underperform, try stating that they have always performed excellently and have a great reputation in the company etc. but that recently some of their work hasn't quite been up to their usually high standard. Show a person respect for their ability. State clearly to a person that he already has the quality that you want him to develop. Compliment a person on his excellent work. Make the person feel responsible for others in their environment by their performance.

8. Always encourage and praise a person. Make the fault seem insignificant, small and easy to correct.

Never tell a person that they are no good at something (Hello teachers and parents!) Always praise someone's ability, to encourage them to succeed and improve. Always encourage and praise sincerely. Imply that a person has the qualities and attributes required to excel at a particular task.

9. Make the person feel happy about doing the thing you are suggesting.

Appeal to a person's values and interests as to why they should be pursuing a course of action, both positive and negative motivation. If someone does not perform a certain task very well, then you can give them a much better job title and announce that they are now soley in charge of that particular task. The effective leader should always follow these guidelines when changing another's behaviour:

10. Be congruent and consistent

Be consistent and congruent in your actions and communication with people. Always be sincere. Never promise anything you cannot actually deliver. Under promise and over deliver, not the other way around! Always focus on the (immediate) benefits for the other person and how it coincides with an interest they have. Show empathy and find out what the person really wants and what their values are. Always know exactly what you want the other person to do. You cannot always influence people around you, but the more you try to use your influence and empathy, then you will develop your leadership muscles which will come out naturally over time.

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